When I wear my socks to the airplane bathroom I often get looks from others. Little do people realize I’m actually trying to help them.
For over 40 years I have been a frequent flyer. In many ways it’s the only true home I know.
I first boarded a Pan-Am flight in 1982, the glory age of the airline industry (don’t let anyone tell you otherwise). After 9/11, the most patriotic thing I knew to do was to get on a plane to show that the terrorists didn’t win.
After the early 2000s though I noticed a change in the passengers. Instead of the prim and proper folk who enjoyed the luxury of being pampered on an expedient cross-country flight, slowly my seatmates devolved into scheming soap-dodgers only here for the cheapest travel option so they could slam back booze in a new strip mall bar.
Slowly the service started to match the unkempt passengers as seats shrunk and flight attendants grew snappier. At this point I knew I had to do my part to bring the aviation service back to its former glory. So I started my own review service to lend others my sage advice.
When writing my reviews I aim to help other high class passengers with honest, comprehensive evaluations of each airline’s services. Everything from their greetings during boarding to their onboard snacks is considered in my reviews. Perhaps most important though is the airline’s attention to sanitation.
The Bathroom Sanitation Test
My sanitation test is simple. A plane serves as a second home for a weary traveler. Therefore, any passenger should be comfortable taking off their shoes. After all, would you not take off your shoes in the home of a dear friend?
This means that a passenger should have no fear when wearing their shoes to the bathroom. With this in mind, I wear my white socks to the bathroom as a part of my airline review.
Upon my return to my seat I check my socks; if any off colored stains appear I immediately hit the flight attendant call button. Reading from my standardized script I inform the attendant, “After attending to my needs in the bathroom my socks are wet. With all due politeness, you need to service the bathroom.”
After shaking off any assurances that the problem will be handled, I then air dry my socks on my arm rest and settle into my episode of Antiques Roadshow included with the in-flight entertainment.
Upon hearing from the pilot that we are starting our final approach, I race back to the bathroom wearing a new pair of socks. If once again my socks become damp I return to my seat and seethe.
Any airline failing this simple test will suffer my wrath in my next review! It is my conviction that with each one star review I slowly guide the airline industry back to its previous grandeur.
