Sure, it may have lived in the Costa Rican jungle only a few years ago. But now it’s my partner as I navigate the urban jungle. Before you even ask me, yes, my sloth is a legitimate service animal so stop hassling me over it!
A few years ago my life was a wreck. I was just dumped by my boyfriend of several years, I had been in between jobs for three years, and my social anxiety kept me from making new friends. That’s when my therapist recommended I look into getting a service animal to help me adjust to life.
My first service animal was Puddles the pug. Puddles was the best companion I could ask for since he was calm and helpful. Or at least that’s what I thought until I saw a Tik Tok featuring a sloth, the most cuddly animal on God’s emerald orb.
So naturally I upgraded and said bye to Puddles and hello to Brett the sloth. Why did I choose the name Brett? My sloth struck an eerie resemblance to one of my first boyfriends, Brett, who was the most clingy and slowest creature I’d ever met.
Life With Brett, My Service Animal Sloth
Brett and I go everywhere together: restaurants, night clubs, grocery stores, etc. Sure he helps me with my emotional problems or whatever, but I’ve found Brett has so many more uses. First, he is a great help for my pick up game. If I’m looking for a date for the weekend, all I have to do is stroll the produce section of my local grocery store. Once I find an eligible bachelor, I swoop in, shove Brett in their face and ask, “I’m looking for food for my sloth. Do you know what they eat?” I’ve found that all Brett needs is Lucky Charms and a bowl of kombucha to thrive, but this question gets the conversation going and before long I have their number.
Another benefit of having Brett at my side are his claws. For those of you who don’t know, sloths have long, curved claws that are perfect for tasks ranging from prying a bottle cap off of a hard cider to performing basic car maintenance. My sloth is like a furry Swiss Army knife.
Although my life has improved tremendously with my sloth, not everything is perfect. Lately I’ve been getting harassed at various spots around town. Apparently some people have a hard time believing Brett is my service animal. I’m getting so tired of the disputes I’ve resorted to dressing Brett up like an infant. Now it takes me a whole twenty minutes to get him in his baby swaddle and affix his bucket hat and sunglasses. My biggest concern though is that carrying an infant around could affect my pick up game…
So I’m writing this article for me and anyone else that has a sloth as a service animal. Let it be known, my sloth is a legitimate service animal so stop harassing me!
