For a decade and a half I’ve been on the dating market. However, even after more free dinners and drinks than I care to admit I’m still a single pringle #foreveralone. For the longest time though I thought that once a breakup started, there was no chance for a makeup.
Over the years I’ve learned one thing that will revolutionize your dating life. I know it did for mine.
What’s this secret? Well it’s simple.
You’ll never be single if your partner can’t break up with you.
Now you might be thinking, “But Jenny, everyone I’ve ever dated has broken up with me.” And let me tell you, I know the dilemma. The same thing happened to me for years.
But I’m here to help. By utilizing a technique I call the “Surprise Shock” you’ll never be single again. And if it doesn’t work then your ex wasn’t worth it because *obviously* they didn’t care about you to begin with.
So without further ado, below are 7 “Surprise Shocks” for you to stop a partner during mid breakup. Each of them have been field tested by yours truly, so you know they’ll work.
P.S. Read to the end for the added bonus technique for specific breakup scenarios.
1. The Narcoleptic
This one is simple: if you’re not conscious then you can’t be dumped. Will your boyfriend be skeptical of your sudden onset of narcolepsy? Probably. But when I did this with my ex Julio I informed him that it only happens under high stress and that no meds I’d tried before had worked.
Was this a bit of a white lie? Yes, but Julio had enough sympathy that we stayed together for an entire two more weeks.
2. The Weak Bladder
This one works best with a little bit of prep beforehand. As a new health goal, tell your partner that you’re trying to drink more water. Then, once he starts to breakup with you, interrupt him with “Hang on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom real quick babe.”
Then, don’t come out of the bathroom until he swears to stay together. In practice it’s not as childish as it sounds, and it turned my breakup with Steven into a makeup (for three days).
3. The Waterworks
This one may be more of a classic, but I had to include it because when it works it works so well. As soon as you hear those chilling words “We need to breakup”, cry like there’s no tomorrow.
I recommend practicing this one in front of the mirror a few times. After all, if you’re an ugly crier this one might backfire a bit.
Now some of you are thinking “This is great and all Jenny, but I’m not Meryl Streep – I can’t cry on demand!”. Well have no fear, I have a simple solution that will bring a tear to your eye (literally).
Get in the habit of keeping a wedge of onion in your pocket or purse. Once “the talk” begins, palm the onion and give it a good squeeze by your eyes. Before you know it you’ll be crying tears of joy and making up.
In the field I extended my relationship with George for two months due to this simple trick. Only when he saw the onion in my hand the third time I pulled this trick did he go through with the breakup (with no makeup). So make sure to be discreet.
4. The Heartbreak
What if the act of your boyfriend dumping you was so hurtful that it literally broke your heart? That’s the strategy here.
Once the breakup commences, nod understandingly. Then suddenly clutch your chest, bulge your eyes, and grunt loudly while contorting your body. If you can make half of your face go limp, even better.
This will completely change the momentum of the breakup. From a relationship emergency it becomes a medical emergency, in your favor. And by frantically driving you to the ER (which may be quite convenient if you live in your car) your man will surely realize just how great you two are at problem solving.
As I learned with my ex Mike, there’s nothing like a traumatic experience to bond the two of you together as a couple.
5. The Cameraman
This one is for all of my readers who are NOT dating news anchors, actors, or anyone else who’s not camera shy. And all you need is a smart phone.
Ever noticed how people clam up when a camera is shoved in their face? Something about recording people and posting it publicly to the internet causes people to lose their words.
As soon as your boyfriend says, “We need to talk,” whip out your phone and shove it in his face. If he’s anything like my ex Charles he’ll choke on his words immediately. If you’re in luck he might even swat at the phone, which you can use against him.
This move works best if you stream it live, but any recording will do. Use that camera to turn a breakup into a makeup!
6. Gas Leak
Social embarrassment is a powerful weapon. You just need to be careful when you use it.
“Do you smell that? I can’t listen to you with that stench in the air.” Then when they’re surprised go for the final blow (pun intended): “Did you fart?”
Instantly this gives you the high ground as you look upon your gassy counterpart. When they naturally stammer a denial in disbelief, point out how defensive they are.
Paul was so embarrassed by this when I used it on him. Flustered, he ran out of the room, which afforded me a few more hours to be in a relationship with him.
7. The Best Defense
In The Art of War, Sun Tzu recommends, “Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak.” Following this philosophy, this Surprise Shock technique prescribes that the best defense is a good offense.
As soon as your man wants to dump you, take his negative energy and turn it back on himself. Criticize anything and everything that defined your relationship.
Your sudden switch in disposition will catch him off guard, enabling you to be on the offensive and making him defensive. Soon he’ll find himself arguing for how good the relationship truly was, whereupon you concede.
And before you know it, you’ll be back together.
8. Bonus: Merge the Line
As a bonus, I’ve included a Surprise Shock technique for a specific but very common situation: when the breakup occurs over the phone. You may think that with this impersonal breakup technique there’s not a lot you can do, but you’d be wrong.
Once the breakup starts, immediately call a close family member or friend and merge them into the call. The confusion of a new bystander to witness the breakup will halt everything.
When I used this trick on James we never even made up since he couldn’t breakup with me while my mother was on the line!
I hope these Surprise Shock techniques revamp your dating life like they did mine. Don’t forget that if you’re never dumped then you can never be alone ❤️ So go out there and turn that breakup into a makeup!
