“Courting Courtney” is a monthly column from Courtney Li all about navigating the modern dating scene and finding love.
As my most faithful readers will know, I’ve been a single pringle for quite a while. Although I date all the time, I may not be the most savvy when it comes to the modern dating slang. I found this out the hard way when my last fling ended. When he said he wanted to be friends with benefits, I thought it meant I got discounts where he worked. Boy was I wrong.
It all started when I first met Marco while trying to get my lunch snack out of a vending machine. While I was furiously banging at the glass, trying to get the machine to dispense my oat bar, Marco walked up and politely informed me that I had only put in one dollar bill when the oat bar was two. When I turned around and looked into his dreamy, Italian blue eyes I knew I wanted to get to know him better.
So I did what my momma taught me. I batted my eyes, flipped my hair nonchalantly, and asked if I could bum a dollar. Afterall, men want to help a lady in distress. Without a single word, Marco pulled out a dollar and I was in luck. Over the course of my oat bar I was able to strike a nice conversation with him. Finally, I gave him my number and my signature move, the triple wink (a sexy move where I blink three times with alternating eyes). Sure enough, the next day he calls to see if we can hangout.
Fast forward three weeks. Marco and I are getting to know each other in more ways than one, if you catch my drift. I’m usually quite reluctant to move so fast, but how can I say no to his hairy arms and well-defined neck muscles (ladies, you know what I mean). When the passion’s there in a relationship, the passion’s there, and this one was as hot and sweaty as a penguin in a sauna.
But just last week Marco sits me down. Uh oh, I think he’s breaking up with me. But h tells me the typical spiel that he likes what we have but he needs something else. Tells me he wants to be friends with benefits. I don’t like the sound of friends, but I do like the sound of benefits. You see, Marco works at the nearby taco shop that’s known for their taco-flavored smoothies (don’t bash them until you try them). And I can’t get enough of them. Thinking I’ll get some discounts as part of our friends with benefits deal, I tell him I’m down. As I’m a librarian, in my head I’m thinking that I’ll let him loan out books for twice as long. You scratch my back, I scratch yours.
Oh man, was I wrong. Later in the week I stroll up to the counter when I know when he’s working and tell him right there that I want to cash in on our friends with benefits arrangement. Shocked (but with a slight smile), he asks “Here? That’s quite adventurous.”
But I’m undeterred. “Yeah, give me what I came here for, and this time there doesn’t need to be any money exchanged” I reply. At this point the elderly woman coughs obnoxiously loud in my direction, but I just figure she’s not happy that I found a way to get food for free.
Now Marco is confused. I remind him that since we’re friends with benefits I should be able to get a free taco smoothie. After all, I’m going to let him loan out library books for longer. And now he’s bewildered. “Courtney, do you know what friends with benefits mean?”
Marco then proceeds to tell me that as friends with benefits, we just casually see each other to hook up. I’m bright red in the face. This isn’t what I signed up for. Right then and there I end things, knowing I will also have to say goodbye to taco smoothies as well since I would be too mortified to look Marco in the eyes again.
So readers, in conclusion being “friends with benefits” does not mean that you’ll get discounts where he works. In fact, it has a very different meaning. Next time, I’ll be sure to ask when somebody new tries to pull a fast one on me by using the latest dating slang.
