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I Use My Company’s Toyota Corolla as a Bait Car on Weekends – Don’t Tell My Boss

The company I work for during the week unknowingly enables my vigilante side hustle on the weekends.

Note to the reader: The following article describes actions that may jeopardize one’s safety. Do not attempt.

For my entire life I wanted to become a cop. I even entered the police academy twice, but both times failed the ethics portion of the final evaluation. I felt humiliated telling my family and friends I just didn’t have what it takes to become a cop.

Some people would give up on their life dream right then and there. But not me. Instead, I decided I would serve my community on my own without a badge or a department.

My current job is in the personal protection and security industry. I work as a traveling salesman for a company that manufactures electric shock weapons. If you’re wondering: yes, I have been tased before, but I assure you I have tased more people than the number of people who have tased me.

But the great thing about my job is that I get to drive a company car to different cities each week. One day as I was driving to a client meeting in eastern Illinois, genius struck. Why not just convert my company’s car to a bait car and help do my part to get criminals off the streets?

Now, my company’s car is quite an eyesore. It’s a gaudy Toyota Corolla that has the company’s cheesy slogan plastered on the side panels: “We’ll shock you with our low prices for quality tasers!”

But the very quality that makes it difficult to bring out on date nights is its saving grace as a bait car. Who would expect a company car to be rigged as a bait car?

Now, you may be wondering what my process is for setting up the bait car. Here’s how a typical sting operation usually works…

In the week leading up to the sting operation, I’m usually in some hodunk town trying to peddle tasers to local businesses. But during my lunch breaks I take the opportunity to collect some intel.

While looking for a place to eat I cruise around town looking for the shadiest, most run down parts of the city. If I don’t feel comfortable getting out for lunch, I know I’ve found the spot. And bonus points if businesses have iron bars over their windows and people are loitering outside instead of working a real job (it is a business day, after all).

The sting starts Friday night. At around 6 pm I return to the target location and prepare the bait car. 

To set up the bait car, I leave the keys in the ignition and place all my valuables in plain sight. Usually, I’ll put my company’s laptop on the passenger seat. I leave my personal iPad on the dashboard with the Apple logo facing out. And for good measure, I put my company cell in a dashboard mounted holder, practically begging a criminal to steal it.

On the bumper I place an official looking sticker that says “This vehicle carries more than $500 in cash at all times. Failure to provide this vehicle right of way is a felony per federal statute 27-B.” This is all nonsense of course, but the hooligans don’t know any better. They lick their chops at such an easy score. And trust me: in my experience this sticker boosts the crime rate by about 50% which is what this is all about — we’re trying to get criminals off the street.

So the trap is set – now all I need to do is provide the bait. I yell out like I’m talking on AirPods:  “My man Mark, what’s up! I haven’t seen you since college. Schedule the Uber for 3 am because I sure am looking forward to getting absolutely smashed with you tonight!” Even better if there’s a nearby group of loitering thugs that I can direct these comments to.

I continue “Hey, I better leave my phone and Macbook Pro in the car, I wouldn’t want to lose them. God I hope I can remember where I parked tomorrow morning.”

I quickly walk away (trying to keep the grin off my face) and start the stakeout. I hop behind some nearby bushes and whip out my phone with 911 punched in and my thumb hovering over the dial button.

What happens next is anyone’s guess. Usually, a thief will walk up and nonchalantly try to size up the vehicle. They’ll look around for a bit and, if they’re feeling bold, hop on in. The moment they put their hand on the car door I hit the dial button on my phone and I jump out of cover.

I approach the vehicle with my taser pulled and I start reading the criminal their Miranda rights. Most criminals sit there stunned. I live for the ones that try to run. I don’t even hesitate for a second. I pull the trigger on my taser and watch with delight as 50,000 volts course through their body.

Usually after about 5 or 10 minutes the cops arrive. I explain to them the situation and tell them that there’s no need to thank me. They’re usually a little surprised that a courageous citizen has taken such great initiative in ridding the streets of crime. With my work done, I head home with the pride and satisfaction of helping my community.

How long do I usually stake out for? My policy is that I’ll stake out for up to 24 hours. The quickest I’ve ever seen the car stolen was within 5 minutes – I was in bed by 10 pm that night.

One night I had to briefly leave my vantage point for a potty break. By the time I came back the car was already stolen. I called up my boss on Monday and the guy was furious that he was going to have to replace the company car, laptop, and cellphone. To tell him the truth would have meant losing my job, so I kept my mouth shut when he asked for details on where I parked it, what I was doing, etc. Besides, I figure that what I do on weekends is my personal business.

These days everyone complains about the rampant crimes in their community, but most people don’t make any effort to fix the problem. That’s why I use my company’s Toyota Corolla as a bait car on weekends – to make a difference in the community.